If you’ve ever told me you hate not being in control, how uncertainty makes your anxiety spiral. I want you to hear this.
The urge to control isn’t about being rigid, demanding, or trying to run everything. It’s about safety. When unpredictability has been linked to pain, chaos, or disappointment, control becomes protective. It turns into armour. A way your nervous system tries to make sure you’re not caught off guard again.
You don’t seek control because you want power. You seek it because you’re tired of being surprised by hurt. Because trusting people or situations hasn’t always felt safe. Because your body learned that structure and predictability were the only way to stay regulated.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Healing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to let go overnight or shaming yourself for needing certainty. It means slowly showing yourself that you’re okay even when things are unclear. That not knowing doesn’t automatically equal danger. That you can stay connected to yourself even without full control.
From a nervous system perspective, this is about building tolerance. Each time you meet uncertainty and remain safe, your body gathers new evidence. Evidence that uncertainty doesn’t equal threat. Over time, this rewires how your system responds, shifting from hypervigilance toward flexibility, presence, and trust.
So if control has been your coping mechanism, thank it. It protected you when you needed it to. And now, gently at your own pace, you get to learn that safety can exist even when everything isn’t mapped out.
You’re not flawed. You’re healing.